Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
