i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
