What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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