he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
babies were throwing up all over the place
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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