ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
