I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
