im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
