I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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