I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
