ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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