Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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