I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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