I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
