So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
