i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think your dad took our porno
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
