Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
