Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Is it because I queefed?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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