How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
