ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
