Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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