does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
