Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You can't just leave with hair like that
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
