What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
