Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
