ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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