I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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