btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
