If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
