the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
