I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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