Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
