It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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