Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
