she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
