help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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