I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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