So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
