Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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