I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you traded sex for a burrito?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
