upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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