You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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