wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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