I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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