Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
