You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
