A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
