You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
