i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
