I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
