When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
