my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
